Shattered

Upon arriving at my parents' home later that evening, I soon came to find out why it was so urgent that I return. I walked into the living room, and waiting on me was my mother, father, and brother. They all sat silent, each on their own piece of furniture. The looks on their faces were heavy, and I felt anger building up inside me as I knew what I was about to hear.

My mother broke the silence by saying that she wanted us all to be together because she had something that she had to say. She began by saying that she had already spoken to my father about it, and now wanted her children to know.

"I love your father.......I'm just not "in love" with your father."

With that, I let out a sarcastic, boisterous laugh......"Right!.......Who's the other guy?" I asked. "There's no one else." she said. My mother explained that she and my father were getting divorced. I looked at my father sitting across from me, still silent with tears in his eyes. Then I turned toward my fourteen year old brother, Jack. He was falling apart.....crying like a baby. I thought about what he would now have to endure in that house, while at the same time being so grateful that I wouldn't have to be there. My heart was breaking for him.....and my father. My mother stood stoic and numb, watching us all process this new information. It seemed so cold that she wouldn't comfort us, but truthfully, I didn't want her to come near me. Maybe she just knew better. I was livid, and I knew that I was about to unleash mountains of anger and resentment.

I walked up to my father, hugged him, and told him that I loved him and that I was so sorry. Tears began to stream down my face. Next, I just held my baby brother, assuring him that I would take care of him. I had to get out of that house, though! What could I do for him? As I thought about it, I knew what needed to be done. Dean was like a big brother to Jack. He looked up to him, and loved hanging out with him any chance he got. I immediately called Dean and told him what had just happened, and he came straight over and picked up Jack. To this day, I don't know exactly what they did, or where they went that night. All I know is that I'll always be so thankful for what Dean did. He did what I could not......what I did not do. Jack needed someone, and Dean was there for him.

After making sure that Jack was taken care of, I went back into the living room, walked up to my mother, and said things that I shouldn't have.....things I regret. I don't remember all of the words spoken in my fit of anger, but I do remember that at some point, my mother started to cry. I had not one bit of compassion, and mocked her as she broke. Finally, at the end, I told her that I knew she was lying......There was someone else. I said that I didn't want her calling me or trying to see me. With that, I left. I showed her no mercy.......no grace. It made me feel better to hurt her like she was hurting us. The truth is, I had no idea what she was feeling.......where she had been.....hurts in life.....her failures......her losses.....her disappointments.....what had gotten her to this point in her life...........And I didn't care to.

This news only drove me further into drinking every night. It was my escape. I called my father every day to check on him and Jack. My mother left a couple of voice mails on my phone; none of which I returned. A week went by, and I got another phone call from my mother. She said that she needed me to come home one more time........There was something else that she had to tell me. I did not want to see her face, but wanted to make her say those words to me. So, I returned home that weekend.

When I got home, she drove us to the high school football stadium parking lot. Not a word was spoken the whole way there. Once we parked, she turned toward me and confirmed my speculations. "You were right. There is someone else", she said. Smugly, I blurted out, "I knew it!" She told me his name, and how she met him. I was disgusted and at the same time stunned. The woman sitting across from me felt like a complete stranger. It seemed impossible that this could be the same woman that I called "mom" all of my life.......The woman that I loved so.

He has a Face

I have to interrupt my story to write about a new development.......I told you in the beginning that it was on going.

Today has been a really weird day, to say the least. I've been tending to two sick children, which is always quite a bummer, as I so hate it when they feel bad. I'm happy to report that it looks like we are "out of the woods."

Anyway, I recently received a friend request from someone on Facebook. Over two weeks ago, when she sent it to me, I was puzzled because I didn't know who she was. Normally, I'll look over the person's friend list if I don't immediately recognize them to trigger my memory. When I did this, nothing made sense......But, her maiden name was the same last name of the guy who molested me when I was four. I decided to ask someone that I am close to who had her as a friend on Facebook. After much discussion and research, we finally confirmed that this girl was related to my perpetrator.

Even though this girl had done nothing to me, I will admit, the whole situation really freaked me out. It is times like these that I want to cancel my account....retreat......be completely under the radar--stealth. It all just felt too close. I won't do this, though. It's not me.....I'll not live my life like that. However, I'll be more cautious from now on who I let into my life......Even through Facebook. I'm so happy that I didn't confirm her without further investigating.

So, this whole thing started a bigger endeavor. I never remembered the face of J.B., the guy who molested me. When I think back to what he looks like, I remember only some things, but his face is always a smudge and blur of distortion. As I mentioned in an earlier post about my molestation, I always wondered if he did this to anyone else, among other things. As my friend and I investigated further, we ran across a man with the same name as my perpetrator....the same age......from the same town I'm from. His name is an obscure one, so I felt sure it was him. The only way to confirm this, was to ask my mother.

You see, we found him on the state's public sex offenders registry website. There are four photos of him, which seem to correlate the number of offenses with the dates of offense. When I laid my eyes on him, I didn't remember that being his face, but my gut told me it was him. I just knew it. When I say that this guy is creepy, it doesn't even begin to explain it. His sinister smiles in his mug shots say what words cannot. He obviously has no clue the depth of hurt he has caused, and has no remorse either.

I sent my mother the link to the page from the sex offenders registry via email. First, I called her to tell her what I was sending, and asked her if she was alright with it. I was so worried about her and how it would affect her. She agreed to view it. Today, I received an email from my mother.

It read:
So sorry, yes it is...

This man is J.B.! My worst fears have come to pass. He has done this to others........Who knows how many?! I had hoped that because he was found out when he molested me, that he'd never do it again. They say sex predators have a sickness....an addiction--That once they do something like this, it is likely not the last time. Guess what his offenses are?.......You guessed it. Crimes against children. It makes me sick......I'm so disgusted! This man is vile! My heart is heavy for the "others." Tonight, I pray for them........for healing......restoration......