Topsy-Turvy

This is where my story begins to gain momentum.... I got reckless.......My life was drama-filled......Full of disorder....Things began to move quickly in so many different directions. This is when my life began to be turned upside down.

Dean and I never re-gained whatever was lost after the miscarriage. Since we saw less and less of each other, we spent more time with others. We drifted further and further apart. First, we postponed our wedding. We both new what it really meant. There would be no wedding for us.

John, Dean's best friend and roommate, never really liked me. He saw me as the girl that took away his best friend--The "Yoko." He had actually stopped talking to Dean altogether when he found out that we were engaged. So, when Dean moved in with him, John was on a mission to show him how much fun bachelorhood could be. Their apartment was the ultimate bachelor pad. Drugs, girls, alcohol, parties and more were almost a nightly occurrence. Every time I called, there was a party going on, and Dean was either high or drunk. Girls would be talking in the background, which increased my insecurities and worries. The few times that I visited their apartment, John made it clear that I was not welcome. This was before cell phones, so when I called their apartment one day, John answered and after saying some really nasty things, told me never to call his house again....and hung up on me. Dean seemed more comfortable in his "new life" than he did with me. It became obvious that he was not ready for marriage, engagement, or me at all. He wanted to party, not answer to anyone (me), and enjoyed this new found freedom. I felt insecure and was not alright with his lifestyle. So, we talked about our relationship, and decided to call off our wedding altogether. Our relationship was sketchy and almost non-existent. It was clear, but unspoken that we both wanted a break. This was not a clean break, however. Dean and I left things undone....open-ended....Just in case.

I began hanging out with friends from the law firm after work. I had never really drank alcohol in my life. I think I tried a taste of a wine cooler once in high school. Growing up, alcohol was never in our home--Never. I was ignorant to anything alcohol-related. I had never been to a bar, because I was underage. So, it was such a surprise that at nineteen, I could get into any bar or club I wanted to........So long as I was with all the attorneys from my job. The first time I drank while out with them, I got completely wasted. It felt so good not to feel. I didn't have to think about how my heart was breaking over Dean. I didn't have to think about the miscarriage that I had. I didn't have to think about my parent's constant fighting. This was a new world to me. I started going out almost every night after work. The group of people who went out together was a mix of attorneys, secretaries, and file clerks. I started to get to know many people at our firm from our floor (31st), and felt like such a grown up. Because I lived an hour and a half away from work, I started looking at apartments downtown to move into. It is only by the grace of God that I didn't kill myself or someone else driving home every night completely drunk. There are times that I can remember passing out at the wheel, and waking up to the sounds of the bumps on the shoulder of the road. Some mornings, I'd wake up to go to work, and have no recollection of the night before. I am ashamed to admit these things, but it is the truth.

I finally found an apartment in the city that I could afford. It was an efficiency, but it was exactly what I wanted. This made my commute to work half an hour with rush hour traffic, and close enough to drive home late after the bars and clubs. I packed up all of my belongings into my Toyota Celica, and started driving an hour and a half into the city. Upon arriving at my new place, I got a phone call from my mother. She told me that I needed to come back home immediately. She said that it was important.....She had something that she had to tell me. This was the same day that I moved out of my childhood home, and into my very own first place! My mom refused to tell me over the phone. I told her that either someone had died, or that she and my father were getting a divorce. I knew something was really wrong, so I headed back home to my parent's house.

Loss and Change

I miscarried the baby with Dean several weeks into my pregnancy. This would be the first of four miscarriages in my life. It happened at his house on a Sunday. I'll never forget the pain, confusion, and sadness that I felt. At first, we had no idea what was happening.......We were so naive. As the pains got worse, and remnants of a lost life were being released from my body, Dean and I realized what was happening.

When I think back about that day, I am amazed that we didn't seek medical treatment. We didn't seek any advice, for that matter. No one knew. I was weak, in excruciating pain, running fever, had chills, was throwing up, and losing a great deal of blood and tissue from the baby. However, we never went to the hospital until it was all over. (I went to the doctor the next day) Dean would have had to pick me up and put me in the car if he was going to get me there, and that wasn't going to happen. There is one thing above all the pain and sickness that I remember more than anything........The silence. Neither one of us knew what to say. I remember how helpless Dean looked. What could he do? I remember his gentleness as he cared for me......He did the best he could. I laid in his arms on the floor of the bathroom for hours until it was over. Many tears were cried that day.

As the next few weeks passed, things began to change. Dean had to move out of his place, because the owners of his rent house no longer wanted to lease it out. He moved in with his best friend, John. I got a job at the largest law firm in the city as a file clerk. It was an awesome opportunity that I could not pass up. I too stopped attending college during the day, and took night classes after work. As a result, Dean and I saw less of each other. We were still trying to sift through all that had just happened emotionally between us after the miscarriage. It was something that we couldn't put our fingers on....It was just different.