Loss and Change

I miscarried the baby with Dean several weeks into my pregnancy. This would be the first of four miscarriages in my life. It happened at his house on a Sunday. I'll never forget the pain, confusion, and sadness that I felt. At first, we had no idea what was happening.......We were so naive. As the pains got worse, and remnants of a lost life were being released from my body, Dean and I realized what was happening.

When I think back about that day, I am amazed that we didn't seek medical treatment. We didn't seek any advice, for that matter. No one knew. I was weak, in excruciating pain, running fever, had chills, was throwing up, and losing a great deal of blood and tissue from the baby. However, we never went to the hospital until it was all over. (I went to the doctor the next day) Dean would have had to pick me up and put me in the car if he was going to get me there, and that wasn't going to happen. There is one thing above all the pain and sickness that I remember more than anything........The silence. Neither one of us knew what to say. I remember how helpless Dean looked. What could he do? I remember his gentleness as he cared for me......He did the best he could. I laid in his arms on the floor of the bathroom for hours until it was over. Many tears were cried that day.

As the next few weeks passed, things began to change. Dean had to move out of his place, because the owners of his rent house no longer wanted to lease it out. He moved in with his best friend, John. I got a job at the largest law firm in the city as a file clerk. It was an awesome opportunity that I could not pass up. I too stopped attending college during the day, and took night classes after work. As a result, Dean and I saw less of each other. We were still trying to sift through all that had just happened emotionally between us after the miscarriage. It was something that we couldn't put our fingers on....It was just different.