Seize and Plunder

I had written off my mother.....She had disappointed me. Her phone calls were in vain, as I strove to punish her by ignoring them. At the same time, my father's deep grief and sadness was too much for me to take anymore. I couldn't bear to hear him crying on the other end of the phone, so I ignored them too. Ironically, Dean ignored all my phone calls and voice mails to him, and never returned one. The ground under my feet was crumbling, and I was spinning out of control into a place I had never been. Reality was setting in that Dean had moved on and wanted nothing more to do with me. I convinced myself that I could always call off our "time out", and jump right back to where we left off whenever I wanted. This simply was not so. Dean had a new life......One that did not include me. My pleas were in vain. I didn't know how to accept his rejection. I still loved him.

The truth is, I didn't know how to be present in life as I was now being forced to know it. So, I saturated myself in the night life of drinking and going out. My co-workers became my "friends and family". It was odd to me how these people (including myself) could execute these very different lifestyles. We were closing down the bars, but alert bright and early with our suits and card keys and brief cases........Smiling and accomplishing business.

Soon, a couple of "baby attorneys" showed an interest in me. These "baby attorneys", as we called them, were first year attorneys at the firm. It was flattering to be pursued by them, and I was naive enough to think they might want to date me. One night while out at a bar, Luke, one of the "baby attorneys" began buying me drinks, and eventually pulled me aside to have me to himself. I enjoyed flirting back, as I was certainly attracted to him. Later, when he asked me to go home with him, I laughed, telling him that I wasn't that kind of girl. Drunk, and not in my right mind, I ended up spending the night with Luke. I don't remember a great deal about that night, but despite his persistent efforts all night, I did not have sex with him. Thankfully, he would adhere to my decision. I did, however, do more than I wanted.....more than I should have. Luke drove me to my car the next morning on our way to the office. I soon realized that he wasn't happy that he put forth that much effort and never got what he wanted from me. At no time did he want a relationship with me. Who was I kidding? I was an amateur to this world. Luke and I passed each other daily in the halls of the law office, never again to speak.

At that same time, an attorney who was up for partner that year needed a few file clerks to do a document production assignment on location for a couple of weeks. My boss put me on this assignment. The attorney who we were working for was, Stuart, who I saw out at the bars sometimes. However, I had never actually met him. All of the file clerks assigned to this case had a brief meeting with Stuart before he sent us out. Every day for two weeks, we worked on location gathering documents for this case. During this time, Stuart asked me to report to him daily after work to review our progress. Immediately after our first meeting, he invited me to dinner and later drinks with the rest of the group. This became a daily routine. Stuart was thirty-one, and I was nineteen. It was public knowledge that he had just broken up with a woman whom he lived with. It was a foggy line of boss/employee when he would take me to dinner every night and then out for drinks. I felt confused as to why he wanted this, but obligated since he was now my boss temporarily. He wasn't blatantly flirting, but it wasn't completely innocent either. For days, I was simply perplexed. After all, we were always in a big group hanging out together. Although I was still drinking tremendously, I always made it home safely to my apartment.

At the end of our two week assignment, Stuart invited me to a Super Bowl party he was throwing at his house. Everyone that we hung out with would be there too. Even though I could have cared less about any football game, I was looking forward to a party with my friends. I felt privileged to be invited. Not unlike any of our other gatherings, everyone got completely wasted. I remember feeling like I had passed the point of no return. I had gone too far. For some reason, this time was different. I felt sick, and just wanted to go back. Unfortunately, I was stuck in my drunken stupor, unable to escape this plight. I found a chair to sit in while I tried to escape my haze. Hours went by, and I started to sober up. When I walked back into the room where everyone was, no one was there. I looked out the window to find it dark and the driveway void of cars.......Except for mine! Frantic, I walk around the house looking for Stuart. As I'm walking around, I become painfully aware of the pain in my head and the unsettling in my stomach. I found Stuart sitting in a chair in the living room. Something was strikingly different about him. It was alarming to see him awake, but not alert. He sat there emoting nothing, but staring straight ahead, eyes glassed over and red. When I called to him, he slowing looked my direction, still emoting nothing. I explained that I was sorry that I got so drunk, and that I should be leaving. He sloppily told me that I should just stay in his guest bedroom because it was late and I had been drinking. I agreed, and thanked him as I headed for bed. What happened next is a nightmare. The horror of it still crushes me today.

At some point in the night, I was awakened to Stuart clumsily staggering into my bedroom. My eyes were trying to adjust to the small bit of light that was shining into the dark room, which frightened me even more as I heard him struggle. I asked him what he was doing, receiving no reply. As I felt him collapse next to me, I told him that he was scaring me. Stuart just laughed. He wreaked of hard liquor, and when he began kissing me, I was repulsed by the taste. I pushed him off, saying that I didn't want this. Stuart was the size of a linebacker. I was getting nowhere with my attempts to stop him. He was talking, but it was all a jumbled mess. He slurred and laughed and forced his way on top of me. My cries got louder. I begged him to stop. I looked into his glassed over eyes, hoping he would see my fear as I cried uncontrollable tears. The more I resisted and fought him, the more forceful and violent he became. "Please don't do this"! "Please stop"! "Please, I don't want this"! I remember pleading this over and over. He was starting to really hurt me as he fought back, and became angry with my resistance. He said things I didn't understand, but I knew what he meant. I could fight him no more. The physical pain was too much for me to endure any longer. When he ripped my underwear off, Stuart was successful in accomplishing his goal. I stopped fighting. I just laid there as he stole from me what was not his. At first, in that moment, everything went completely silent. I thought of Dean as Stuart continued to pillage. I was overwhelmed with shock, grief, and sorrow. Then, I began to wail, "why"! Stuart was unmoved by my state. Finally, he was done. He got up, and stumbled out of the room.

I lay in the bed, completely numb. I swear I heard my own flatline. I was paralyzed; unable to move. Was this real? Did this really just happen to me? All of a sudden, reality set in. This was real! Stuart really did rape me! Was this my fault? After all, I did stay the night at his house. Was this rape? I felt as if I had cheated on Dean. He was the only man that I had given myself to. But it was consensual. This was not! I began to cry wildly; moan deeply. The physical pain Stuart left me with was great, but the pain I held inside was massive-immeasurable. Again....Amateur. That's what I was to this new world. What now?